So now what?

For a couple of days I’ve been an empty shell. Waking up and jumping out of bed at 5am with a sense of urgency, only to realise that there is nothing to get up for. The circus has left town. The movie is in the can. Everybody is gone. So I go back to the pit, only to stare at the ceiling, pondering it all, until it’s a suitable time to rise. Then I haunt my house. Making lists of all the things I have to do. Normal things that take the average human minutes to do. But my list keeps growing and nothing gets done. By lunchtime I’m exhausted and can’t keep my eyes open. The emotional wrecking ball that goes with making a film is something nobody tells you about… the result of five years of blood sweat and fears, all culminated in a few weeks and then BAM.. it’s all over in a flash. And now there is a comedown. A post-movie blues.

But it won’t win. Already my fingers are twitching for the next thing. I won’t sit still too long. And now I find myself writing a new list… planning the next rollercoaster. The next bout of insanity.  I don’t search for this madness. Nor does the Madness come to find me. But we somehow continually cross paths while I run through the labyrinth. Now I greet the insanity like an old friend. One that I can’t live without for too long. Because without the craziness, what else is there? I’m ready to surrender to it, and let it guide me to wherever it is going next. I’ll ride on the wave of insanity. That’s where magic happens. Already it’s calling me. I can hear it. Tempting me to go on another search. To find something that I don’t know I’m looking for. Read the signs. Follow the breadcrumbs. See where it leads me. It’s knocking at my door now. Biting at my heals. Something is coming. I can feel it. Here I go again. On another journey into the unknown. Who knows where I will end up this time. But I’m jumping on that train. Not letting it leave the station without me. Destination is unclear. No particular place to go. But it’s how I must roll. And besides. It’s gotten me this far.

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